im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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