Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
