You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
