Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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