I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
