The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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