There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
