I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
its liver damage thursday
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
