dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The Olympian is in my bed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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