Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When are your genitals available?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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