I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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