I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
