Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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