Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
