R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
