those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Are my feet made of real feet?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
