she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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