my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
this just has baby written all over it
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
