Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
