Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
