I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
