On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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