My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
