no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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