No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
