You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
