i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
