can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
