You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
