i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
