God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize