my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
50% drunk capacity currently
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
