I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
