I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
