there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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