3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just want nice things and good sex
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
