your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
