I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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