I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
