At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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