if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
