i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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