There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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