Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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