I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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