im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
