In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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