i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
