Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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