I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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