i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
