I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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