I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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