everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
