You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
