i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
