The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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