shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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