I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
