I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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