I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
