My cat gives me a boner
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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