I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
there is glitter all over my balls
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
