have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
